Archive | January, 2014

dairy-free artichoke dip

29 Jan

it’s not cream cheese sour cream parmesan asiago dip, but it’ll do.


two cans artichoke hearts
one can white kidney beans
drizzle of extra virgin olive oil
4-5 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup plain non-dairy yogurt
splash of non-dairy milk
4+ tablespoons nutritional yeast
1-2 tablespoons lemon juice
one dash cayenne pepper
salt and pepper to taste

strain and rinse the beans. put the beans in a blender. add the garlic and olive oil, then mix it until it looks like hummus. if it looks kind of chalky and weird, add some more olive oil. add the yogurt, nutritional yeast, then a splash of milk. blend until incorperated.

strain the artichoke hearts, then squeeze out the excess water. plop them into a casserole dish. pour the bean mixture over the hearts. add cayenne, and however much salt and pepper looks appropriate, then mix. spread out the mixture evenly in the dish, then sprinkle the top with paprika. bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

some notes: i use whole artichoke hearts. when i squeeze out the water, it tends to break it up into pieces that won’t give you tmj.

i use a pantload of garlic because a) i love it, and b) it kind of makes you forget you’re not eating beautiful, beautiful dairy. most dips of this kind call for 2-3 cloves of garlic.

nancy’s soy yogurt is the only non-dairy yogurt i like, so that’s what i use. you could easily use any other kind of PLAIN non-dairy yogurt, or even a non-dairy sour cream. it’s a six ounce container of yogurt.

i didn’t have lemons, so i used the viscous liquid from our jar of preserved lemons. highly recommended!

for the non-dairy milk, use unsweetened. note that if you use coconut milk, it’s probably going to taste like coconuts. the almond milk i use goes undetected. i legit just splash some in after i throw in a whole mess of nutritional yeast if it looks like the mixture is a little thick and weird.

p.s. the nutritional yeast is totally optional. it’s kind of expensive if you don’t plan on using it again, but i have it on hand and use it often. i couldn’t taste it distinctly in the mix, but i KNOW it was there making nice.



29 Jan

guess what, my li’l bubs? i’m going to sometimes post recipes up in this bitch. i fucking HATE those blog post-type recipes where you have to scroll through 45 paragraphs of douchey kitchen whimsy, so i’m not going to give you any of that shit. being motherfucking lactose intolerant, i end up cooking sorta kinda vegan shit. i’d say i bake vegan a lot, but i use eggs when a recipe calls for them. sorry that last sentence wasn’t peppered with any goddamn swear words.

hang on to your bippy, because my next post is a recipe! oooOOOoooh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

did i really not write a blog post in 2013?

7 Jan

2013 was a year that happened. a lot of my friends had a shit year, but i can’t remember anything too bad happening to me personally. on new year’s eve i legit struggled to think of any major events that happened in 2013, so much so that i scrolled through my facebook and my instagram feeds to see if i could find anything. some may call that sad, but i’ve been recording events in one way or another for most of my life. growing up, i frequently received two calendars for christmas, and would use one to record things i didn’t want to forget onto that event’s date. that, and my menses. now this shit is on the intarwebbs, but whatever, it has been since livejournal.

here’s what i do remember:

on january first, i did so many calisthenics in my kitchen the night before that i had to take the remaining ibuprofen 800 from my wisdom teeth extraction to relieve the body pain/walk. “it’s going to be an old lady year,” said my body.

in february my husband and i bought a new mattress. this is literally the first new mattress i’ve ever owned; i spent a majority of my youth on a second-hand waterbed, and had numerous hand-me-down mattresses prior to and after that. why yes, you DID read that correctly; i slept on a waterbed from kindergarten through my senior year of high school. my parents (specifically my mom and kind of my stepdad) are 80s as fuck. the twin waterbed was hers; my stepdad gave it to her for christmas as a decoy gift, because she thought she was getting an engagement ring. she was, but he had to throw her off. aaaaaaanycrap, when they got married, they had a king size waterbed and i got the twin. that was 1987. they’re still in the waterbed. in 2014.

i think it was march that we moved my mother-in-law out of her house and into an apartment. we had to sell all of her shit. during the few weekends of estate sales and moving, i frequently went into beast mode to get shit done. many people thought i was mad at them, but it was really just that i’m SO FRIGGIN GOOD AT MAKING LAME SHIT HAPPEN. lolololololllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

i am SO BORED OF THIS ALREADY. bitch can’t handle breaking it down month by month.

two of my close friends got knocked up. while SO MANY of my friends from high school/college/adulthood have cranked out babies (and of course family members have as well), this was the first of my circle of friends that i hang out with on the regular to get pregs. what i’m saying is, shit got real this year. side note: if i am ever impregnated, i’m afraid to have a male child because i don’t want to deal with boners.

i started doing invisalign to make my face right. my teeth were never perfect, but they got jacked up in college when my wisdom teeth came in. now that teeth numbers 1, 16, 17, and 32 are out (blah. i’m mad at myself for saying that), there’s room for the rest of them to move around. maybe my jaw will stop clicking, too!

i got a new job, so instead of working in a dental office in boston, i work in a dental office in salem (where i live). maybe 2014 is the year i figure out what i want to be when i grow up? not having a commute is the tits. i do miss boston, however, and spending too much money at h&m and urban outfitters. the h&m at my mall just isn’t the same.

2013 is the year i did four 5Ks. the first one wasn’t “real” in that i was part of a group who decided to walk, but one person was lying and we ended up chasing her around until she got tired. it was a big national 5K with bells and whistles and strobe lights and marihuana smokers and rave music and junk, and i wore a tutu because that’s what females are supposed to do for this shit.

the second one was my first “real” 5K in that i attempted to run the whole time. mama can’t run uphill with the wind blowing in her face, apparently, because my goal to run the whole thing came to an end within the first five minutes. fuckers made us start it running up a hill! UP A HILL!!!!!! i DID, however, pick up someone’s feather boa and ran to catch up to her so she could have it back. NOBLE AS FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it took me about 46 minutes of waddling, huffing, puffing, foaming at the mouth, and jiggling, but i ran/walked with the worst of them. i was faster than 14 whole people!

the third was on the coldest day of the year (at that point in november), and as it was ugly sweater-themed, i wore this BRUTAL cat cardigan over a tank top, long sleeved christmas turtleneck, and running jacket. i looked/felt like randy from “a christmas story.” there were a lot of hills, and thus a lot of walking. AIN’T 2 PROUD 2 WALK. waiting for the two free beers at the end took longer than the actual race. a lot of people in line agreed that my sweater was the ugliest, and for that, i swelled up with pride.

the fourth was another “real” one for me in that it was a timed course without a heavily-enforced theme and a national presence, and i did it in 41 minutes. i ran way more than i did for my first real 5K, and i ran it faster than when i did a trial run of the course a week prior (the time being faster a) because it was, and b) because i ran less than 3.1 miles). while it still was a combination of running and a hearty amount of mall walking, and speed has never EVER been a goal, i was proud of myself. i am proud of myself for getting off my (wonderfully) fat duff once in awhile.

i do 5Ks for the shirts, for the free food/drinks after, and to motivate myself. my goal is to get out of my own head and run the whole thing from start to finish, even if it means taking 3 hours. it may sound a bit weird, i dunno, but i just want to be able to put on a pair of sneaksss, run a few mile loop, and call it a day. i literally don’t have any goals with these 5Ks other than to get myself to run a few times in between, but hopefully run several days a week in between, and to run the whole thing from start to finish. while i know intervals are better for weight loss, which i’m into, i DO want to be able to run 3.1 miles without “NEEDING” to stop. i could care less about doing anything more than a 5K, at least at this point, and i don’t truly give a flying fuck about my speed in terms of goals. GIVE ME A TORTOISE PACE OR GIVE ME DEATH.

maybe 2014 will be the year that i become a runner, or find out what i want to be when i grow up, or finish the cross stitch project i told my friend i’d do for her (or start it… yikes), or actually keep up with my blog, or actually write an interesting blog entry, or have something memorable and rad happen. change those ORs to ANDs for added positivity!

truly, though, i’m thankful i don’t have much to report for 2013. a job change and a faux foray into athleticism are pretty big and great for me. a lack of personal tragedy is even greater. YAY!

i’ll be back later to talk about things i’d like for this year. maybe. haha. STAY POSITIVE, BITCHES! YOU ONLY LIVE ONCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111