run.

7 Sep

i wrote this on august 31st:

i don’t enjoy running. i have been trying to love it for decades. p.s. i am old enough to say “decades” in reference to my life. although i do get the endorphin high after any sort of athletic activity, and i tend to feel super energized and/or super exhausted after running. i just haven’t picked up on the true runner’s high. despite trying couch to 5K, straight up making myself run until i feel like i’m going to puke up every last bit of my guts, etc., i just haven’t found that omgiaminvincible runners high love swoonfest freakout. i really wish i would.

running is just boring to me. i have tried running with various types of music/playlists, with podcasts, with tv, and with silence. i have run alone and with people, inside and outside. i just get so bored. my focus will be on the length of the song and feeling like, OMG WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?! my outdoor surroundings don’t wizz by fast enough, and the end of the track doesn’t come soon enough. on the treadmill, i focus on the timer or a nearby clock, despite covering the timer with a magazine or my ipod. what i’m saying is i can’t get my head into running. i push myself hard and never feel that clarity, but i really really want to.

today i decided, fuck it, i’m going to commit and make myself love running today. i will run past that “i can’t run anymore” feeling, when it feels like my lungs are going to give out. my brain will be filled with anything but what i’m actually doing. i was actually doing that for the first ten minutes or so of my venture. i spent the first four minutes of my two mile route walking/warming up. about 6.5 minutes into my running, i reached the approximate mile mark. i was starting to approach the point where i needed to push myself past my boundary, and all of a sudden i see about 72 orange cones and workers with sexy dayglo vests, surrounded in a cloud of dust and pavement. the smell of hot asphalt clogged my nose and dust peppered my eyes. keep in mind this was at the peak of a trip that has a slight, yes ass kicking incline the entire time.

i got past the orange cones in the street and was presented with orange cones in the sidewalk, with no indication as to where pedestrians should go. the grassy area next to the sidewalk is crazy uneven, so i decided to walk through that part and start running again once i got to the official halfway point, which is a park. once i arrived, there were approximately 45 people mowing the grass and street sweeping all the pathways. there was literally nowhere for me to run without being stopped by men and machinery.

right now i’m sitting at a picnic table that is absolutely covered in scribbles of people offering phone numbers for dick-sucking services. as with many things in my life, i am finally motivated to do something and i am faced with literal obstacles. i will get there and i will be fine, but this is a metaphor for my whole entire life.

time to make my last mile trip home. it’s mainly uphill but i’m going to try like hell.

*

as i mentioned, i wrote that on august 31st. that night, i walked the 1.2 miles home from a friend’s house despite three offers for a ride home, because i knew i wouldn’t have time for exercise the next day. i also knew i’d be dancing my ass off at a wedding on september 2nd, so i wanted to keep up with my active weekend lifestyle. on september 1st, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly.

i am finally motivated to do something and i am faced with literal obstacles. i will get there and i will be fine, but this is a metaphor for my whole entire life.

life is crazy in that, you will put all your focus and energy and determination into something, no matter how trivial, and it can be all erased in a second when something bigger, something of actual importance, takes place. i completely forgot about this blog entry until today.

i’ll start running again soon.

thank you to my father-in-law for my husband. i’ll miss you and love you.

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