Archive | May, 2012

july 19, 2003 fat, salacious livejournal post

31 May

tonight was the best night of my life. i am no longer a krispy kreme virgin.

an ode to krispy kreme

o, krispy kreme
how i love your rings of fat
cooked in fat
and covered in sugar,
which is pretty much fat

i love your free doughnuts
spelled correctly, served warm
melts in your mouth,
lasts not in your hand, and
morphs your ass

twinkling in pristine crystalline
circular wonder,
you outshine even the reddest of neon
glowing to boast of your
hot, fresh immaculate conception

KRISP ME
GLAZE ME
COVER ME IN YOUR TRANSPARENT KREME
for i am forever chained to your nuts
of the dough variety

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july 4, 2004 very psychic livejournal post

31 May

waiters in paper hats are sexy

i’d like to start this journal entry by informing everyone that i have officially met the man i am going to marry.

his name is brian and he works at the johnny rockets at burlington mall. he was stasia’s and my waiter on tuesday evening and we fell in love immediately. it was either the adorable face or the way his brown hair curled out of his paper hat that first made me swoon. as we know, however, looks aren’t everything; we soon found that his personality and his charm combine and infuse into a force not to be reckoned with.

i first noticed him leaning casually against the counter, watching us peruse the menu of delightful selections. he came over to us and asked if we wanted to order. we did, and after awhile i realized it was taking slightly longer than expected. this is because he was making my mocha fudge shake with a little extra love. he really spent a long time on it, making sure it was perfectly blended. it was even thicker than usual, lovingly dolloped with whipped cream (an additive rare to the johnny rockets shake of days past). before leaving the table, he reached over to the straw holder and opened it for us so we could take straws….come on, now. NOBODY DOES THAT FOR THEIR CUSTOMERS. obviously this man was just as in love with me as was i with him!!

upon delivering to us our french fries, he made a ketchup happy face on the little ketchup plate. i don’t think i need to elaborate any further on this.

at the end of our dining experience, i got up to pay the bill. as i walked by future lover and his coworkers, i heard him say to a female “now THAT’S not appropriate!” interesting. when i got to the cash register, the manager started to ring me up. looking at me the whole time, she goes, “hey brian, come here for a second.” she then proceeds to inform him that he has two minutes left of work and that he should “get out of (her) face.” upon saying this, she WINKED. yes, that’s right; the manager told brian to leave and WINKED AT ME. what?! she wants to be the flower girl in our wedding?! that’s what that wink meant?!

as i walked back to the table to leave a 25% tip and get stasia so we could leave, he said “let’s make babies.” actually, he said “have a nice night” but i know how to decode guytalk. stasia and i walked out and over to aeropostale, but then decided to go back to see him leave. no success. but obviously we are destined to be together forever so it’s okay, i’ll see him again one day. stasia told me to leave my number (and my mom later told me i should have left it) but i know that isn’t necessary; our lord will bring him to me again when the time is appropriate.

6/1/82

31 May

tomorrow i turn 30. my thoughts on turning three decades old are pretty nonexistent, but that’ll come with the blogging. since i don’t have a strong opinion on this birthday, i’ve decided to treat it like a new beginning or some crap that sounds like it’s straight off the pure moods cd from the 1990s that featured the x-files theme. there are two things that were part of my early 20s that aren’t part of my life right now, and i’d like them back, please.
first, and this is VERY new year’s resolutiony and lame, i want my better body back. you know, the body i thought was suuuuper fat and gross. over the past three years i have gained 40 pounds without changing my diet or my (not hardcore) exercise routine. i have tried several things to lose the weight (including super strictly following weight watchers, bumping up the exercise, etc.) and it hasn’t budged, save for five or ten flipfloppy pounds (which, on my frame, are unnoticeable). my best guess is it’s a mix of stress, the gluten intolerance that has not yet been confirmed by a medical professional, stress, not living in a third floor apartment, and stress. although it’s done great things for my boobs, i’d like to be HEALTHY. i used to say i didn’t care about my pants size, but i really did. now i don’t. i just want to be comfortable and feel like i can wear whatever i want. right now, i don’t feel that way. no, i’m not doing anything crazy or fad-driven or anything. i’m just going to move more, cut out a few foodstuffs, and hopefully not talk about it on here. i WILL talk about my love for snacks, and that’s a promise.
second, i’d like to write my face off. my aol instant messenger away messages and profile content were GOLD. it’s similar to my incessant, jocular facebook status updates, but there was something slightly different/funnier about my “amay wessages” from the days of yore. replacing that stuff was easy. i need to find time to be creative and thoughtful. i had a livejournal and i was in creative writing classes almost every semester of college, so my brain was constantly creative. that’s nonexistent in my life right now, and i want it back, dammit. that changes RIGHT NOW.
i am not allowed to let a day go by without posting in this blog. sometimes it’ll be me posting old writings, and other times it’ll be current. old poems, journal-type entries from other places/times, pissy rants, lists, photos with witty shit written underneath, etc. should all be expected. no matter what i’m posting, i just need to post SOMETHING to keep myself engaged in this. i HATE that i don’t write anymore. poetry has become super difficult for me, because my best poetry comes from loneliness, and i haven’t been lonely in the seven years that i have been with my husband. poetry is NOT important enough to me that i’d change a single iota of my relationship, don’t get me wrong. it (poetry) just feels like a farce to me now, and i want to obliterate that notion from my thoughts. also, facebook gets irritating as shit when it comes to posting my opinions, and i want to let my mind take a dump all over this blog.
hopefully my other posts won’t be as boring as this one, but i figure this entry is my outline, and the rough draft is coming. slowly, with a shitload of revisions.
thanks for checking this out. thanks for sharing my last night in my 20s.

posts from my old blog

31 May

no me gusta my other blog domain for its clunkiness, so i’m taking the posts from there and putting them here. pretend this is real.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

sylvia plath

we got a new oven today. we’ve been without an oven for over a week. now all i want to do is make cupcakes and be all domestic and shit, but that requires cleaning up after myself and i can’t say that’s one of my strong suits.

the oven came with a manual, but it doesn’t say anything about what to do before your first use, so we ran the self-clean cycle. we opened the windows even though it’s winter in new england, and we turned on all the fans. i sat here in a tank top, a long sleeve tee shirt, a fleece robe, and a blanket. my eyes watered like an mfer, which made for an interesting sight, since i was watching “jersey shore” and sammi was leaving because she and ron just broke up. that was a couple hours ago, and i currently feel like i’m dying. i feel like i shrank, and i’m sitting inside sylvia plath’s oven. bitch must have been really bummed, because this blows. i want to go for a walk but i’m afraid to leave steve by himself just in case this is carbon monoxide and we’re about to call it quits in this world. steve is doing the overnights this weekend and he’s sleeping, so he’d have no idea if he were still alive or not.

i’ve eaten a lot of snacks today.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

slalom smears

you can add “slalom” to the words i don’t like list, which is mainly just comprised of the word “smear.” watching the winter olympics is essentially a horror show. in 2005 this was my list of words that i hated:

shrimp scampi
pap smear
hickey
panties
horny

i’m over panties, even though it still sounds like child molesters. scampi is just a joke at this point. a hickey is just a stupid thing to get at my age. horny… gah. also kind of child molestery.

you know what’s a gross word? mayonnaise. it’s gross because the product is the most repulsive condiment of all time, but also because people pronounce it funny. people say “man-aze” and that just makes me want to be bludgeoned repeatedly over the head with the rat stick from “it’s always sunny in philadelphia.”

Monday, November 22, 2010

UUUUUUUAAAAGHHHHH!

i switched gyms because i truly thought joining a gym near my work was a fantastic idea. i think i went six times because i didn’t like being damp on the commuter rail. my last visit to that gym was before i got engaged, or maybe one time shortly after that. i’ve been engaged since march. i went to my new gym for the first time tonight and heard noises that reminded of me of my last apartment, where we’d be woken up in the middle of the night to teh random neighborhood kittehs makin teh whoopiez outside. it sounded like feline rape. it sounded like if men gave birth. it sounded like a super low bass version of kramer passing stones on “seinfeld,” and also like james earl jones’ voice twin taking a monster dump comprised mainly of razor blades. a couple times i wanted to turn around and make sure nobody died when those weights were dropped. holy crap. in other news, i ran for seven whole minutes in a row.